Clouded Dreams

Racing through my mind is a million thoughts. I don’t know what to think anymore. The uncertainty is encapsulating every ounce of my being and my brain is starting to hurt.

Unfortunately, this a common daily reality for somebody suffering from Chronic Fatigue.  Brain fog limits the ability to communicate with others, to make normal decisions or even absorb the simplest pieces of information. Quite frankly, it makes you feel like there is something majorly wrong with you, as if your brain has been involved in some kind of a traumatic event. You can no longer think as clearly as you used to be able to do and the ideal of your logical brain becomes a figment of your imagination as you begin to question your intelligence.

And this feeling, this fogginess over your brain by far surpasses any other symptom or side effect that comes with chronic fatigue. The one tool that we depend upon for our everyday functioning becomes just a hazy mess of disorganised thoughts and like the pieces of a puzzle you use all your energy to to piece them back together and make sense of what is going on. To this day, this has been the most challenging part of my recovery process, figuring out how everything fits together and in the grand scheme of things, how I fit in to the world around me like I used to.

With my scattered thoughts, I feel distant from the world in which I once felt so in sync with. Conversations with those around me become a constant struggle as I battle my distorted thoughts and attempt to communicate in a way that makes sense, but instead I find myself constantly feeling and sounding like a crazy person. Sometimes I feel as though I am losing my mind and the insanity is slowly creeping up on me ready to wrap it’s jaws around the life I am hanging onto by a thread.

Recently, the overwhelming chaos of thoughts inside my head resulted in a decision which if I was in a more stable mindset I would probably not have done- the decision to resign from my job. In the midst of everything going on and my somewhat mental breakdown I felt as though this was the most logical solution to get my head back in the right space. But now that I have made that call, I am not so sure.

I knew that I wasn’t happy in that job. I struggled to meet the daily expectations and targets, to socialise with the team and to be my true, hard-working self while my mind was to focused on bigger things. Bigger things like recovering from a chronic illness and returning to a level of normality. And I could feel the pressure of the busy environment and targets mounting up on me, making me feel more stressed and overwhelmed then I had ever felt before. The staying back 2-3 hours past my finishing time due to a difference in my balancing also wasn’t helping, contributing to my coming to work the next day more exhausted. I knew I couldn’t keep living in this way.

For a week before I made the decision to quit, this overwhelming sense of unfulfillment and depression began to consume me, in addition to the crowded thoughts already spinning around in my mind. The thought of working in the bank for the rest of my life, the thought of even working for somebody else in a job that I was not passionate about was making me feel sick in stomach with anxiety. I could not let myself fall into the trap that my father and so many other people had fallen into- working ridiculous hours in a job that I hate and having no time to do what we were put on this earth to do- live life to the full.

Amongst all the chaos spinning through my head, one thing was more clear then anything else- I need to work doing something I am PASSIONATE about. If there was one thing my journey of recovery from chronic fatigue had taught me, it was the value of living life to the full. I had burnt myself out living a life inflicted by societal norms trying to get through university, build a career and work to pay for an endless amount of debts. I had learned from that mistake once and was definitely not going to let history repeat itself. In that moment I decided to take the plunge and quit the job that had drained so much life out of me, I stopped caring about money or my future. In that moment all I cared about was finding my happiness and continuing on this spiritual journey that incorporated my recovery.

Despite it being days after the fact and the rare ningling feelings of shame and disappointment in myself, this amazing weight has been lifted off my shoulders. As I sit here, watching out over the water I know that bigger things lie ahead in my future, but they were definitely not going to be found on the path I was heading down. Right now, I feel more in tune with my journey then ever before and I feel as though this is the beginning of the most incredible adventure, the life I was born to live. I may be poor, but I am more spiritually rich and happier then any amount of money could ever make me. And my mind is finally clearer then ever before on my quest to fulfill my wildest hopes and dreams.

Here is to a future of adventures, wisdom and happiness.

Get out there and start living your dreams.

teaghanlee xxx

 

 

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