The Self-Love Journey

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Self-love has never come easy for me.

As somebody who was naturally shy and introverted, had a rough upbringing in a tense environment, was victim to the bullying and bitchiness at my all girls school, self confidence and self-esteem were never my strong points. And realising I was gay later in life didn’t help either.

So now, at this ripe old age of 28 and suffering chronic illness, naturally all of these feelings have come to the surface and created a need for me to address them with self-love. And the reading from a psychic recently has emphasised that requirement.

Last week, after months of uncertainty and curiosity over the future direction of my life following the break up and resignation of my job, I decided to consult with a psychic in the hope that would give me some kind of direction with my life.

And after much anticipation, the result was a little more comforting then what I thought it would be.

Firstly, and not by any coincidence I think, I found out that my psychic also suffered from Chronic Fatigue. What are the odds of that? I guess this illness is coming more prominent but cannot help but feel this was a sign from the universe!

Secondly, what she said about my current and not-to-distant future situation really helped me see some clarity. In a nutshell, this is what she said:

  1. The reason why I feel as though I am not making progress with my recovery is because my life is at a stand-still and the only thing that will move me forward is radical self love. I must learn to listen to my body more and praise it for what is doing to help me recovery instead of constantly criticising and putting myself down for the things I can’t do. If I am able to, with the help of Mother Mary and Archangel Isis learn to love myself immensely, then my chances of recovering by December 2017 will be greatly improved. I also need to focus on taking slow steps, not setting too bigger goals and enjoying complete rest days when required without feeling guilty.
  2. My relationship with my ex was not a loveless one. My ex did love me and care about me however realised that she had lost control of her life and of the relationship. The break up was her attempt to regain that control and to deal with the issues that had been holding her back. Apparently, she did have regrets about the ending of the relationship and within the next 18 months or so I will receive clarity around that.
  3. In the next 3 months I just need to focus on taking things easy and doing things that I enjoy and that make me happy. Reading, writing, getting out in nature, training, exploring, socialising, cooking, yoga and meditating. All of the things that make me the more grounded person that I am
  4. Between now and 6-8 months time I will surround myself with a network of positive, uplifting women that will help in the healing process. In the process I will meet or may have already met a person who could potentially be my soulmate, if I chose, or at least a friend and within a few months we will move in together. It is my call if this eventuates into anything more.
  5. Within the next 2 years, I will own and operate my own successful business. I will firstly get involved in digital marketing, combined with my marketing expertise, to generate some income, and then eventually will create a business in my own desired field. She also advised me that a job will come up in the next few months that will be a gift from the universe.
  6. She advised me not to stress about money as in a few months I will be offered some money as a gift and encouraged for me to take it. I will also find a way to conquer my financial woes but I just need to relax for now. There is plenty of money in the world and it will find it’s way back to me.

So I guess, from all of that, the most enlightening part was that I need to focus on loving myself and from there everything else will fall into place. Therefore I have made a vow to myself, from this moment forward I will focus on me, putting 100% into making myself the loving, healthy and healed person I was meant to be.

A lot of it will require retraining my thoughts and I intend to do that through meditation, positive affirmations, gratitude and self development books and podcasts. I vow to only surround myself with positive people that lift me higher and avoid those who attempt to bring me down or bring drama into my life. And I refuse to let any type of negative talk or criticism find it’s way into my mind. There is only space for love, kindness and positivity in this mind of mine.

I will avoid comparing myself to others, putting myself down or punishing myself for mistakes and avoiding dealing with my issues. I will stop feeling rushed, like I have to make up for all the time I lost being sick, and push myself to achieve goals that I am not ready to achieve. I will achieve great things in due time, I just need to be patient and believe in the power of the universe.

I must also learn that I cannot rely on anybody to fill my void, that only I can fill that with love and kindness for myself. I am the most important person in the world and nobody can love me until I learn to love myself and the beautiful person that I am, and I can feel that I am getting there. I do love myself to a degree, but the rough days where the depression emerges, I need to learn to conquer that. Once I overcome this, then when something eventuates into a more beautiful relationship with a girl that I meet, then I will be ready.

So right now my main focus is this: radical self love, beautiful friendships and exploring all of the things that I enjoy and make me who I am. I will immerse myself in nature, writing, training at the gym, yoga, meditation, personal development, reading and building great relationships with incredible people. And then will great things follow- love, happiness and abundance.

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

Don’t mind me while I learn to fly.

teaghanlee xxx

 

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Confidence: Showing the World Who is Boss

15175484_10154747969272265_754903130_nIn today’s society it is becoming increasingly paramount to be confident to succeed. In your career, in your relationship, in your social circle, at university. Every little thing requires confidence.

But sadly, there are so many women out there that are lacking the one thing that should be ingrained in us. With the overwhelming portrayal of stick-thin women in the media painting a picture of the ‘perfect women’ it is devastating how many women have lost their confidence in themselves, their intelligence and their body image due to not looking like photo shopped babe in the latest Cleo centre fold.

Well let me tell you, building confidence with such a stereotypical viewpoint of perfection is not easy. Especially if you have also had your self-esteem shattered during your teenage years struggling with acne, your sexuality and being bullied, like myself.

Despite being born as an introverted extrovert (yes its a thing) and somebody with very low self-confidence and self-esteem, I have been on a very enlightening and eye-opening journey on the quest to find the self-assured woman that lies deep within.

And I am going to share with you a few tips that have made me into the confident, courageous woman I am today.

  1. Fake It Until You Make It- Lets be honest, we have all been put in situations that are slightly out of our comfort zone or where we have no idea what to do. So next time this happens, wack on a smile, ask questions and act like you would imagine somebody with experience and expertise acting in that position, even if you don’t know what the hell you are doing- others won’t know any different. You will find as time goes on, you will begin to be the person you have pretending to be and absolutely smash whatever you are doing out of the park.
  2. Let Go Of What Others Think About You- The reality is we all care about how we are perceived by others- how we look, dress, act or behave. But do you know how much energy you can save and how much confidence you can have when you just let these things go. We are all unique and beautiful in our own ways and by avoiding caring about other’s judgements or comparing ourselves to others, we are able to create our own path of greatness and success.
  3. Let Go Of Your Past- I am sure you have experienced a moment in your life where you have been mistreated by somebody else who has tried to make you feel less then what you are. Well guess what- the past is in the past now. Whether it was a bully that teased you in high school, an ex boyfriend or husband that put you down constantly or a friend that always treated you like rubbish, realise that their mistreatment of you is not a perception of your downfalls, but their insecurities. Karma always has a way of getting coming around so don’t be bitter or dwell on it, just embrace yourself as the beautiful human you are today and live for your future
  4. Work On Areas Where You Lack Confidence- Whether it is public speaking, dating, work, in a large group of people or just socialising in general we all have situations that make us anxious or lack confidence. Consider which areas you struggle with and replay these in your mind as if you had all the confidence in the world and could master that situation like a boss. You will find over time, visualising the situation with confidence will cause you to change your behaviours and practice them accordingly when the scenario arises again.
  5. Practice Positive Affirmations and Uplifting Exercises- Find a good you tube video , download a podcast or record yourself saying uplifting affirmations and listen to and repeat them on a daily basis. Over time you will find that these words become beliefs built into your subconscious mind and consequently will be reflected in the form of confident and positive behaviours. I have found that even repeating these while standing in front of the mirror is a great way to incorporate them into your daily thinking! Sounds dorky but it works wonders.

And just remember ladies, you are all INCREDIBLE, BEAUTIFUL and GIFTED souls capable of mastering life in your desired fields.

I hope this helps on your journey to greatness.

Don’t be afraid!

teaghanlee xxx

 

The Magic Potion: Apple Cider Vinegar

Apple Cider Vinegar is by far one of the greatest things ever invented. I’d say it is pretty up there with snap seal bags and coconut oil. Apple_cider_vinegar.jpg

Source: By Phongnguyen1410 – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,  https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=34840183

Why you may ask? Well please let me take this opportunity to share with you why I start every morning with a warm drink of apple cider vinegar and lemon!

  1. It helps weight loss and assists in controlling your cravings and appetite
  2. Its a great fat-burning enhancer for workouts when added to water and aids with post work out to deter lactic acid build up
  3. It  contains acetic acid which helps balance pH levels and maintaining alkalinity in the body to reduce infection and disease
  4. It is a natural prebiotic assisting with the growth of good gut bacteria and consequently aiding digestion, heartburn and liver detox
  5. It contains vitamins, minerals, amino acids, micro nutrients and beneficial acids to maintain a healthy body and provide energy
  6. It works wonders on your lymphatic system reducing the symptoms of sore throats, allergies and congestion- also helps with reducing bad breath
  7. It assists in reduce candida overgrowth reducing sugar cravings, mental and physical fatigue and yeast infections

But wait, helping your body function properly are just some of the benefits this magic potion can provide:

  1. Its great for your skin as a toner, to reduce acne, eczema and break outs or to eliminate warts
  2. It soothes nasty sunburns
  3. It is a superb all natural, chemical free disinfectant and cleaner
  4. It aids in repelling fleas and parasites on your pets and producing a shiny coat
  5. It kills nasty weeds in your garden
  6. It aids in removing pesticides and other nasties from your fresh produce
  7. It acts as a teeth whitener eliminating stains and bacteria when used after brushing
  8. You can use it as a shampoo, natural dandruff remover and detangler for silky, shiny and healthy hair
  9. When rubbed on your muscles, it eliminates cramps and pains
  10. Rumour has it that it cures hiccups (yet to be proven)
  11. It eliminates the smell of cat urine
  12. Provides a great detox bath when mixed with epsom salts and lavender oil
  13. It acts as a great salad dressing
  14. Can be used as a natural deodorant
  15. Its magical and can be used for most infections or ailments including but not limited to PMS symptoms, arthritis, reducing cholesterol, morning sickness, athletes foot, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, thrush, acid reflux and many more

Honestly, I could go on all day about the benefits of this stuff but I am pretty sure you get the point- it is bloody amazing.

So next time you are at your health food store grab a bottle of this stuff. Make sure you get one that still contains the Mother as this is what contains the essential ingredients. And if ingesting it or applying to to your skin, make sure that you dilute it with water first as it is very potent on it’s own.

Bonus: It isn’t expensive!

Enjoy the magic in a bottle 🙂

teaghanlee xxx

 

 

To The Girl I Loved

To The Girl I Loved,

I am writing you this letter to express from the deepest part of me for failing as your girlfriend, your lover.

When we first met, I’ll admit I was a little unsure about how things would pan out. You were quiet, calm and reserved, I loud, confident and a little ADHD. You were addicted to David Attenbrough, loved chinese and junk food and were a smoker, I loved health and fitness, ate super healthy and was a born gym junkie. How could two opposites possibly attract? But there was something I saw in you, something deeper.

The dinner dates were a little awkward and the conversations sometimes bound by silence. I couldn’t help but wonder if these were signs of our incompatibility or just my poor and boring conversational skills. Now that I look back, maybe it was just the former.

As we spent more time together, I came to enjoy your inquisitive mind, your peaceful aurora and your kind heart immensely and as time would go on, my feelings for you started to grow into something deeper.

Our choice to refrain from ‘intimacy’ until we got to know each other better was definitely a wise choice as I believe it allowed us time to learn more about one another and connect on a level deeper then sex, a more spiritual level.

I don’t remember if it became before or after we started dating, but it came to the point where no longer could we handle the tension between us. The resistance became more difficult as we connected deeper and let our feelings flow in harmony. It is in that moment, that we first had our sexual encounter, the butterflies and feelings overtook me. I wasn’t letting this girl go.

Then one day, I fondly remember relaxing in the lounge room of your tiny two bedroom apartment in Leichhardt when you sent me a message asking me the question- will you be my girlfriend? I couldn’t believe it at first- who the hell would want to be with me? Well it seemed this crazy girl did.

While I did have some commitment issues after previous heartbreak and exploring my fluidity on the ‘gay scene,’ there was no denying how I felt for you. You were beautiful, perfect and the girl of my dreams. So of course, I said yes.

Little did I know at the time, but deep inside me there were also some bigger shifts happening. The person I was was changing entirely. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally.

Things started off smooth. There was no arguing, no bitterness, no anger. It was very unlike any relationship I had ever been in before, and I liked that. And having grown up in a home that was constantly full of tension and loud, it was quite refreshing to be with somebody that valued peace and quiet.

You spoiled me with love and affection. I loved the way you wanted cuddles when you were upset or down. The way you called me ‘baby’ and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. The way you always said you missed me. You made me feel so ridiculously special, my heart sang. I didn’t care how different we were, I felt our souls had aligned to show me what true love is.

I remember the day when you went away to Melbourne to visit your sister and niece. You called me and were so adorable on the phone, it made me miss you like crazy. I had never missed anyone before like that. And when you came home, you brought me back and pair of pink joggers, my favourite colour and my favourite type of shoes! This girl was definitely a keeper.

I have so many memories of us, more then just the early days like when we made the decision to move to Melbourne together, when I surprised you with a trip to Phillip Island for your birthday and when we lived all in that one house with 7 girls, which was particularly mental but you made it bearable.

The way you were with Char and our babies, your caring, loving nature made you want to be the mother of my children, but before that my wife. I envisioned me proposing to you, popping the question by a waterfall in the Dandenong Ranges. I pictured our wedding, so beautiful and quaint with only those close to us. Our whole future together was planned in my head, and that is what I was working towards.

What I didn’t see coming was my sickness. CFS came along by surprise and turned my life, our life upside down. I lost a huge part of myself, a huge part of my zest for life and if I couldn’t love who I had become then how the hell could anybody else love me? I cried so much and I needed you to be strong when I was weak. You did your best, but as you can imagine being somebody’s rock does get draining.

It didn’t help that I had nobody else. No friends or family here in Melbourne, besides yours, they were all back home. I know I probably became too dependent on you and suffocated you from living the life you should have. There were so many times where I should have let you go, so you could not be subjected to my dismal life anymore.

But every time I would think it, I would cry. My life without you would be worthless. And then every time I gave you the option, you said you could never let me go, you loved me too much. If only that would have been forever.

As our relationship progressed over the 3 years, I really did fall in love with you more, even every flaw. I loved being your housewife after your hard, stressful day at work. I looked forward to our cuddles on the lounge every night. But movie and munchie nights were my fave. The great thing about being with you was the lack of pressure to be physical and active. Demanding was a thing you were not.

We didn’t tend to go out much, maybe to the movies every now and then. We lived quite a grandma life, as you do when you are coupled up and ill. Maybe I needed to take you out more? To surprise you with luxurious outings? Maybe that was my downfall. That was where my lack of energy defeated me.

I admit, I did want to change you at first. And I am very sorry for that. While I loved you for the person you were, your habits such as smoking and eating junk food began to make me worry. Not just for the sake of your health, but for the sake of our future together. I wanted to spend my life with you and live life to the full until we were old and grey. I didn’t want to end up caring for you because you got lung cancer or some other illness because you didn’t value your health now. I guess I could try and make you see the importance of that, but you can never change someone. Especially someone as stubborn as her.

My recovery did change me, I became more spiritual and selfish, but I had to if I was going to get better for me, for us, for our future. Was I too selfish though? Too self involved? Did I ignore all the signs for your attention?

I loved cooking for you, cleaning for you and giving you massages. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But as time progressed I felt as though that was not reciprocated. Your interest and love for me began to fade. You couldn’t see it, but I could, I just didn’t want to admit it. Not only were you my girlfriend, but my best friend and I couldn’t lose you.

But that day, sometime at the end of August, that day came. After so much happening and the forces of life trying to tear us apart, you gave in. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore- I remember those words so clearly- It was like my whole world came crushing down.

I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t want it to be this way. But you weren’t happy you said and I couldn’t have that. I don’t care how much I suffered, the pain it caused, your happiness were more important then anything in this world. Deep down I wanted to be selfish, to have you despite your unhappiness, but I loved you so much I had to let you go. And your beautiful family didn’t make it any easier to detach myself.

It has now been 3 months and in 2 days it would have been our 3 year anniversary. I was going to plan something special, but instead now I sit here in my mum’s apartment writing out my heart and soul.

Most days I am okay, I am stronger then I thought, but some days I just cry, trying to cry all the pain away. It isn’t just a break up, it’s the loss of a best friend, grieving a companion and the cruel thought of never seeing them again. Never hearing their voice, never watching corny tv shows, never cuddling them. Those days are dead and gone.

I write this not to help my grieving but to say to you I am sorry. I am sorry for the person I am and couldn’t be, the person you deserve. I am sorry for trying to change you, to make you more like me. I am sorry for not loving you for the person you were born to be.

I know we may not have been soul mates, life partners with the world at our toes, but I pictured it in my mind like it was reality and now its all disposed.

I hope one day you meet someone that loves you like I did, that treats you with the kindness you deserve and lets you just be you.

Letting go is never easy, I still miss you today but I know that our paths crossed for a reason but the lessons are still unravelling, still working out their purpose. Right now I am still a little lost though as I figure out my direction as a lone wolf.

Thank you for blessing my life with such grace and happiness, it meant more to me then words.

I wish you forever happiness and excitement on your journey of life.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again.

I love you from the deepest of vessel of my heart.

teaghanlee xxx

 

 

 

 

The Girl That I Used To Know

I want to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful again. That girl who is full-of-life, courageous and ready to take on the world. That girl who loves to sing at the top of her lungs and dance like a maniac on the dance floor or on pool tables. That girl who is not afraid to speak to anyone, especially while intoxicated.

But now, that girl is lost.

I feel so numb right now. So broken. So empty.

Last night I barely slept because I was so anxious about my life and my future. A million thoughts were racing through my mind. Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to be in a relationship again? Will I ever have a career or work again? Will I ever feel like the me I loved again?

I was hoping I would wake up today and those horrible worries would have disappeared, but unfortunately that was not the case. Today is just like yesterday, overthinking and overanalysing at it’s finest. I feel worthless, like I brought this ill-fortune upon myself and that I am only destined for horrible things in this world. I can’t think of any other justifiable reason why this would be imposed on me?

I turn to social media for connections to lift me back up. But looking at the loving posts about partners, photos of amazing adventures and stories of how well people are killing it at life just makes me feel even worse. How can I turn to anyone when they have bigger, more exciting things to focus their energy on? Who the hell would care about how much I am struggling? In this world of connectivity, never have I felt so alone.

All I want right now is a miracle to happen. I want to wake up tomorrow and the pain and suffering to be gone. I don’t want to live in this lifeless body anymore. I just want to be the life-loving, carefree me again. Nobody deserves to live like this.

At least with other illness’s people can see what other’s are going through and understand to a degree a level of their pain. But with invisible illness, you just look like a normal, healthy human being- but on the inside you are debilitated and damaged. Nobody understands your pain. Nobody reaches out to help you. Nobody cares about how much your are struggling financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. How can they when they can’t even see that you are sick?

In the state of my restlessness and anxiety last night, I turned to someone that I hadn’t turned to in a long time- God. Through my tears and sobbing, I prayed to him and my Pop in heaven to give me the strength to overcome this horrid illness and the courage to not give up. I prayed that he would heal me so I can stop being so self-consumed and begin to do what I want to do- help other sufferers including my sister. I just hope after my lack of connection with him lately that he is still on my side. Because right now the two things I need to successfully conquer this illness are either faith or money, and the latter is a limited entity right now.

The worst part of all of this is that I feel disconnected with the whole entire world. I feel like everything is moving so quickly right in front of my eyes and I am just here moving in ultra slow motion.

Every day I force myself to get out of the house, in the sunshine outdoors to stop me feeling like a prisoner in my own home- well mum’s home. I try and lift myself up reading personal development books, listening to podcasts and audiobooks on changing the subconscious mind and meditating, but recently even they have been struggling to lift my spirits. What the hell is wrong with me?

When these kind of things happen I always think one of two things: 1) there is something bigger wrong with me that I and my Dr’s are missing or 2) I am deficient in some kind of medication. Very rarely do I accept that this is just a setback and I need to take it easy- oh no not this type-A personality. It’s obviously my body failing me.

But then I got thinking back to when I was feeling less-then-mediocre yesterday- am I sabotaging my own recovery?  I know I have issues dating back to my child hood when I was bullied and raised in a broken home but could all of this be a result of those unresolved problems?

My memories of my childhood are nothing but dull and clouded. And while I know that is probably not how it was, that there were probably lots of happy memories but right now all I can see is darkness. I always felt as though I had ridiculously low self-esteem and confidence in comparison to all of the other kids. While everyone seemed to be loud, sassy and somewhat obnoxious, I was just consumed in my own little quiet bubble. I never felt beautiful or worthy of anybody else’s affection or friendship. So more often then not, I found solace in my own company, which often left me vulnerable to bullying attacks and torturous treatment.

As I got older I have realised that my feelings of low self confidence and low self esteem are still clearly apparent and have damaged so many elements of my life- mainly as the root cause of my depression. They have held me back from getting the girl of my dreams, making friends, excelling in my career and just being me. Because of these deep-nested feelings I care too much about what other people think about me and compare myself and my life to theirs. How pretty are they compared to me? How good is their career compared to me? How good is their body compared to me? And in comparison, my life always feels worthless and meaningless.

But what if this is not the reality? What if my life has great meaning and worth and I was put on this earth for a bigger purpose? Why can’t I just be happy with who I am? Well somehow I think CFS has come along to teach me that. How to be content in my own skin and understand that my life is full of amazing things. I do not have low self confidence and low self esteem, I have just let others try and make me feel that way and no longer will I hold on to their thoughts of me. I am on my own journey, on my own path in life and if I continue to worry about what everyone else is thinking and doing in comparison to mine, I will never get anywhere.

My reality is this. Yes I have CFS. Yes I have depression. Yes I have anxiety. But they do not define the person that I am. And they are not forever as much as sometimes it feels like they are.

The girl I know is still in there but she is just a wiser, more mature and grounded version now. My moods can be unpredictable. My rough days can come out of nowhere. My energy is sporadic. My brain is full of haziness. I am still trying to balance it all and come to terms with what my life is but I am still me.

I have people. Not people that I thought would be there for me because they don’t really understand. My people now come in the form of fellow CFS, chronic illness and mental illness sufferers, some family and close friends. My people are also positive, realistic and comforting.

I can continue to be frustrated at the fact that I am not who I was before, at the lack of support from others and the medical system and even at the fact that this illness has chosen me. But today and from this day forth, I will do my best to be grateful. I may not be globetrotting, building houses and big careers or marrying the person of my dreams to start a family, instead my journey is an internal, spiritual one that I trust will take me to all the places I need to go. And I am grateful for that.

The full of life may re-emerge one day but that will only be if I can put in the stop being such a pussy, face this illness head on and put in the hard yards. The depression can be hard to fight sometimes but at the end of the day it is my decision to push through or give up. And I cannot give up, not when I have so much life left to live.

I need to keep working through these moments of hardships and conquer them with my strength so that I can show this illness is boss.

This girl is fighting a good fight.

Stay tuned.

teaghanlee xxx

The Warrior

Do you ever get the feeling in your gut that you are on the right path? That tingling, can’t-stop-smiling kind of sensation that just makes you want to jump out of your skin with happiness?

Well right now, this feeling is indulging every part of me.

To be honest, roughly 6 months ago I thought that things were slowly falling into place, but there were still some obstacles to be overcome and some lessons to be learned. And recently, I am proud to say I have tackled those obstacles with every inch of my being and succeeded in doing so.

A break up and loss of my best friend tried to tear me apart. The loss of my two beautiful babies to a new family tried to destroy me. My loss of independence and move back in with my mum tried to challenge me. The loss of a job tried to rock me. And a recent toxic rebound affair tried to test me. But surprisingly, my resilient nature stood strong and defeated all potential these threats of destruction. And now for the first time I can see clearly, as if the clouds have suddenly disappeared.

Trust me, I never thought I could be this strong. But if there is one thing chronic fatigue has taught me, it is resilience. After battling the perils of a supposed chronic illness, nothing can bring this girl down. Nor will it ever. And being the oldest of 5 kids in a broken family has sure had its lessons of strength.

Sure I have my moments where I have broken down in a heap, with tears streaming down my face and resorting to the fetal position. Where all I have wanted was for someone to hug me or just take away the pain so it didn’t hurt anymore. Where I have wanted to be gone from this world for good. But my inner warrior always prevails. She tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. That this is a stepping stone to bigger things. She tells me to wipe the tears away and carry on the path I am meant to, the path where greatness is laid out for me like a red carpet. She tells me not to give up, that life is worth fighting for. She, the warrior, my saviour, my hero.

I was never super intelligent in school. I was bullied and made to feel worthless and as a result my self confidence and self-esteem took a huge beating. I was teased for being gay, for being relatively quiet and reserved and for not looking like the latest model to grace the Cleo/Dolly mag. I went my whole teenage life believing that I was hideously ugly and unworthy of anybody’s love or respect. I developed bad depression and anxiety. I never thought my life would amount to much.

When I finished high school I had a choice. I could forever let the beatings of my teenage life bring me down and turn me into a worthless adult with no zest for life. Or I could put the past behind me and take life by the reigns and show the world what I am made of. So then and there I made the decision. I would not let the past dictate my future.

Over the past 10 years or so since graduating school, it has been a huge journey of self discovery. My first method of redefining my future took me down the wrong path. I started to over-commit, over-achieve and push myself to achieve as much as I could as quickly as possible. The result was a consequential burn out and chronic fatigue which in hindsight made this strategy seem highly ineffective.

However for the past year or so, the new strategy I have put into place has generated amazing success and amplified my happiness, particularly more recently now that there is only me to worry about. Instead of focusing on the larger things in life, the things that define success in typical society- eg. studying at university, building a career in a large company and working my way up the ladder and getting a mortgage etc- I have realised that the things that define my success and make me the greatest, most accomplished person I can be are all internal and influenced by the most beautiful things that surround us.

Over time, during my recovery journey and redefinition, I began exploring life on a whole new level. I surrounded myself with positive people and built meaningful friendships based on powerful connections. I discovered deeper levels of consciousness and greater connections with the universe through meditation, tai chi and yoga. I developed a deeper gratitude and appreciation for animals and nature I ever thought imaginable. I started opening my eyes to new opportunities through the law of attraction and expanded my understanding of myself and the universe through personal development. My appreciation for the myself, the world and others began to grow through daily gratitude and positive affirmations.

For the first time in my entire life, at the ripe age of 28, I began to feel wiser then ever before. And in the past few days, I feel as though every thing that has happened, every thing up until this point has happened for a reason. It hasn’t been straight forward, nor has it been pretty, but it has all happened to set me on the path I am on right now. The path of greatness. How do I know that? Not only does the universe keep sending me signs but I can feel it, in the deepest levels of my being.

I have no time for women, no time for relationships, right now is all about me and being the best possible version of me I can be. I may be technically unemployed, live with my mum and have minimal money in my bank account, but by god do I feel spiritually blessed and more content with myself and my life then I have ever been. And this is only the beginning.

It may be early days, but my goals have never been so achievable and my future never so bright. My path is clear. First and foremost my goal is to be fully recovered from CFS by December 2017. And my way of achieving this- a full 1 year from ‘work’ focusing on personal development, yoga, meditation, gym training, volunteer work and socialising with positive people. My second goal is to build a career that allows me to utilise my marketing skills and passion for health and fitness to make money whilst I travel the world. And of course my reward for recovering CFS will be a trip overseas most likely incorporating some kind of volunteer work. My final goal is to assist and improve the life of as many sufferers of chronic fatigue and mental illness as possible- how I will achieve this I am still looking in to.

So now that my path is clear and my future is bright the one thing I need to do is focus. No distractions, no diversions, just pure willpower. I have been a CFS warrior so now I need to be a warrior that leads my goals to the finish line. And if I can conquer these, I know my life will be incredibly magical. I don’t care about money, I don’t care about power, all I care about is living life to the fullest while I am here and helping as many people as possible do the same.

The moral of this rant- well there are a few. Let go of your past. Don’t give up, even when there are obstacles in your way. Set goals for your future and work toward achieving them. And let the universe lead you down the right path- nothing ever comes from forcing anything.

Be your own warrior and lead yourself down your own path of greatness.

Peace and love

teaghanlee xxx