Do you ever get the feeling in your gut that you are on the right path? That tingling, can’t-stop-smiling kind of sensation that just makes you want to jump out of your skin with happiness?
Well right now, this feeling is indulging every part of me.
To be honest, roughly 6 months ago I thought that things were slowly falling into place, but there were still some obstacles to be overcome and some lessons to be learned. And recently, I am proud to say I have tackled those obstacles with every inch of my being and succeeded in doing so.
A break up and loss of my best friend tried to tear me apart. The loss of my two beautiful babies to a new family tried to destroy me. My loss of independence and move back in with my mum tried to challenge me. The loss of a job tried to rock me. And a recent toxic rebound affair tried to test me. But surprisingly, my resilient nature stood strong and defeated all potential these threats of destruction. And now for the first time I can see clearly, as if the clouds have suddenly disappeared.
Trust me, I never thought I could be this strong. But if there is one thing chronic fatigue has taught me, it is resilience. After battling the perils of a supposed chronic illness, nothing can bring this girl down. Nor will it ever. And being the oldest of 5 kids in a broken family has sure had its lessons of strength.
Sure I have my moments where I have broken down in a heap, with tears streaming down my face and resorting to the fetal position. Where all I have wanted was for someone to hug me or just take away the pain so it didn’t hurt anymore. Where I have wanted to be gone from this world for good. But my inner warrior always prevails. She tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. That this is a stepping stone to bigger things. She tells me to wipe the tears away and carry on the path I am meant to, the path where greatness is laid out for me like a red carpet. She tells me not to give up, that life is worth fighting for. She, the warrior, my saviour, my hero.
I was never super intelligent in school. I was bullied and made to feel worthless and as a result my self confidence and self-esteem took a huge beating. I was teased for being gay, for being relatively quiet and reserved and for not looking like the latest model to grace the Cleo/Dolly mag. I went my whole teenage life believing that I was hideously ugly and unworthy of anybody’s love or respect. I developed bad depression and anxiety. I never thought my life would amount to much.
When I finished high school I had a choice. I could forever let the beatings of my teenage life bring me down and turn me into a worthless adult with no zest for life. Or I could put the past behind me and take life by the reigns and show the world what I am made of. So then and there I made the decision. I would not let the past dictate my future.
Over the past 10 years or so since graduating school, it has been a huge journey of self discovery. My first method of redefining my future took me down the wrong path. I started to over-commit, over-achieve and push myself to achieve as much as I could as quickly as possible. The result was a consequential burn out and chronic fatigue which in hindsight made this strategy seem highly ineffective.
However for the past year or so, the new strategy I have put into place has generated amazing success and amplified my happiness, particularly more recently now that there is only me to worry about. Instead of focusing on the larger things in life, the things that define success in typical society- eg. studying at university, building a career in a large company and working my way up the ladder and getting a mortgage etc- I have realised that the things that define my success and make me the greatest, most accomplished person I can be are all internal and influenced by the most beautiful things that surround us.
Over time, during my recovery journey and redefinition, I began exploring life on a whole new level. I surrounded myself with positive people and built meaningful friendships based on powerful connections. I discovered deeper levels of consciousness and greater connections with the universe through meditation, tai chi and yoga. I developed a deeper gratitude and appreciation for animals and nature I ever thought imaginable. I started opening my eyes to new opportunities through the law of attraction and expanded my understanding of myself and the universe through personal development. My appreciation for the myself, the world and others began to grow through daily gratitude and positive affirmations.
For the first time in my entire life, at the ripe age of 28, I began to feel wiser then ever before. And in the past few days, I feel as though every thing that has happened, every thing up until this point has happened for a reason. It hasn’t been straight forward, nor has it been pretty, but it has all happened to set me on the path I am on right now. The path of greatness. How do I know that? Not only does the universe keep sending me signs but I can feel it, in the deepest levels of my being.
I have no time for women, no time for relationships, right now is all about me and being the best possible version of me I can be. I may be technically unemployed, live with my mum and have minimal money in my bank account, but by god do I feel spiritually blessed and more content with myself and my life then I have ever been. And this is only the beginning.
It may be early days, but my goals have never been so achievable and my future never so bright. My path is clear. First and foremost my goal is to be fully recovered from CFS by December 2017. And my way of achieving this- a full 1 year from ‘work’ focusing on personal development, yoga, meditation, gym training, volunteer work and socialising with positive people. My second goal is to build a career that allows me to utilise my marketing skills and passion for health and fitness to make money whilst I travel the world. And of course my reward for recovering CFS will be a trip overseas most likely incorporating some kind of volunteer work. My final goal is to assist and improve the life of as many sufferers of chronic fatigue and mental illness as possible- how I will achieve this I am still looking in to.
So now that my path is clear and my future is bright the one thing I need to do is focus. No distractions, no diversions, just pure willpower. I have been a CFS warrior so now I need to be a warrior that leads my goals to the finish line. And if I can conquer these, I know my life will be incredibly magical. I don’t care about money, I don’t care about power, all I care about is living life to the fullest while I am here and helping as many people as possible do the same.
The moral of this rant- well there are a few. Let go of your past. Don’t give up, even when there are obstacles in your way. Set goals for your future and work toward achieving them. And let the universe lead you down the right path- nothing ever comes from forcing anything.
Be your own warrior and lead yourself down your own path of greatness.
Peace and love