I want to look in the mirror and see myself as beautiful again. That girl who is full-of-life, courageous and ready to take on the world. That girl who loves to sing at the top of her lungs and dance like a maniac on the dance floor or on pool tables. That girl who is not afraid to speak to anyone, especially while intoxicated.
But now, that girl is lost.
I feel so numb right now. So broken. So empty.
Last night I barely slept because I was so anxious about my life and my future. A million thoughts were racing through my mind. Will I ever get better? Will I ever be able to be in a relationship again? Will I ever have a career or work again? Will I ever feel like the me I loved again?
I was hoping I would wake up today and those horrible worries would have disappeared, but unfortunately that was not the case. Today is just like yesterday, overthinking and overanalysing at it’s finest. I feel worthless, like I brought this ill-fortune upon myself and that I am only destined for horrible things in this world. I can’t think of any other justifiable reason why this would be imposed on me?
I turn to social media for connections to lift me back up. But looking at the loving posts about partners, photos of amazing adventures and stories of how well people are killing it at life just makes me feel even worse. How can I turn to anyone when they have bigger, more exciting things to focus their energy on? Who the hell would care about how much I am struggling? In this world of connectivity, never have I felt so alone.
All I want right now is a miracle to happen. I want to wake up tomorrow and the pain and suffering to be gone. I don’t want to live in this lifeless body anymore. I just want to be the life-loving, carefree me again. Nobody deserves to live like this.
At least with other illness’s people can see what other’s are going through and understand to a degree a level of their pain. But with invisible illness, you just look like a normal, healthy human being- but on the inside you are debilitated and damaged. Nobody understands your pain. Nobody reaches out to help you. Nobody cares about how much your are struggling financially, emotionally, physically and mentally. How can they when they can’t even see that you are sick?
In the state of my restlessness and anxiety last night, I turned to someone that I hadn’t turned to in a long time- God. Through my tears and sobbing, I prayed to him and my Pop in heaven to give me the strength to overcome this horrid illness and the courage to not give up. I prayed that he would heal me so I can stop being so self-consumed and begin to do what I want to do- help other sufferers including my sister. I just hope after my lack of connection with him lately that he is still on my side. Because right now the two things I need to successfully conquer this illness are either faith or money, and the latter is a limited entity right now.
The worst part of all of this is that I feel disconnected with the whole entire world. I feel like everything is moving so quickly right in front of my eyes and I am just here moving in ultra slow motion.
Every day I force myself to get out of the house, in the sunshine outdoors to stop me feeling like a prisoner in my own home- well mum’s home. I try and lift myself up reading personal development books, listening to podcasts and audiobooks on changing the subconscious mind and meditating, but recently even they have been struggling to lift my spirits. What the hell is wrong with me?
When these kind of things happen I always think one of two things: 1) there is something bigger wrong with me that I and my Dr’s are missing or 2) I am deficient in some kind of medication. Very rarely do I accept that this is just a setback and I need to take it easy- oh no not this type-A personality. It’s obviously my body failing me.
But then I got thinking back to when I was feeling less-then-mediocre yesterday- am I sabotaging my own recovery? I know I have issues dating back to my child hood when I was bullied and raised in a broken home but could all of this be a result of those unresolved problems?
My memories of my childhood are nothing but dull and clouded. And while I know that is probably not how it was, that there were probably lots of happy memories but right now all I can see is darkness. I always felt as though I had ridiculously low self-esteem and confidence in comparison to all of the other kids. While everyone seemed to be loud, sassy and somewhat obnoxious, I was just consumed in my own little quiet bubble. I never felt beautiful or worthy of anybody else’s affection or friendship. So more often then not, I found solace in my own company, which often left me vulnerable to bullying attacks and torturous treatment.
As I got older I have realised that my feelings of low self confidence and low self esteem are still clearly apparent and have damaged so many elements of my life- mainly as the root cause of my depression. They have held me back from getting the girl of my dreams, making friends, excelling in my career and just being me. Because of these deep-nested feelings I care too much about what other people think about me and compare myself and my life to theirs. How pretty are they compared to me? How good is their career compared to me? How good is their body compared to me? And in comparison, my life always feels worthless and meaningless.
But what if this is not the reality? What if my life has great meaning and worth and I was put on this earth for a bigger purpose? Why can’t I just be happy with who I am? Well somehow I think CFS has come along to teach me that. How to be content in my own skin and understand that my life is full of amazing things. I do not have low self confidence and low self esteem, I have just let others try and make me feel that way and no longer will I hold on to their thoughts of me. I am on my own journey, on my own path in life and if I continue to worry about what everyone else is thinking and doing in comparison to mine, I will never get anywhere.
My reality is this. Yes I have CFS. Yes I have depression. Yes I have anxiety. But they do not define the person that I am. And they are not forever as much as sometimes it feels like they are.
The girl I know is still in there but she is just a wiser, more mature and grounded version now. My moods can be unpredictable. My rough days can come out of nowhere. My energy is sporadic. My brain is full of haziness. I am still trying to balance it all and come to terms with what my life is but I am still me.
I have people. Not people that I thought would be there for me because they don’t really understand. My people now come in the form of fellow CFS, chronic illness and mental illness sufferers, some family and close friends. My people are also positive, realistic and comforting.
I can continue to be frustrated at the fact that I am not who I was before, at the lack of support from others and the medical system and even at the fact that this illness has chosen me. But today and from this day forth, I will do my best to be grateful. I may not be globetrotting, building houses and big careers or marrying the person of my dreams to start a family, instead my journey is an internal, spiritual one that I trust will take me to all the places I need to go. And I am grateful for that.
The full of life may re-emerge one day but that will only be if I can put in the stop being such a pussy, face this illness head on and put in the hard yards. The depression can be hard to fight sometimes but at the end of the day it is my decision to push through or give up. And I cannot give up, not when I have so much life left to live.
I need to keep working through these moments of hardships and conquer them with my strength so that I can show this illness is boss.
This girl is fighting a good fight.