To The Girl I Loved,
I am writing you this letter to express from the deepest part of me for failing as your girlfriend, your lover.
When we first met, I’ll admit I was a little unsure about how things would pan out. You were quiet, calm and reserved, I loud, confident and a little ADHD. You were addicted to David Attenbrough, loved chinese and junk food and were a smoker, I loved health and fitness, ate super healthy and was a born gym junkie. How could two opposites possibly attract? But there was something I saw in you, something deeper.
The dinner dates were a little awkward and the conversations sometimes bound by silence. I couldn’t help but wonder if these were signs of our incompatibility or just my poor and boring conversational skills. Now that I look back, maybe it was just the former.
As we spent more time together, I came to enjoy your inquisitive mind, your peaceful aurora and your kind heart immensely and as time would go on, my feelings for you started to grow into something deeper.
Our choice to refrain from ‘intimacy’ until we got to know each other better was definitely a wise choice as I believe it allowed us time to learn more about one another and connect on a level deeper then sex, a more spiritual level.
I don’t remember if it became before or after we started dating, but it came to the point where no longer could we handle the tension between us. The resistance became more difficult as we connected deeper and let our feelings flow in harmony. It is in that moment, that we first had our sexual encounter, the butterflies and feelings overtook me. I wasn’t letting this girl go.
Then one day, I fondly remember relaxing in the lounge room of your tiny two bedroom apartment in Leichhardt when you sent me a message asking me the question- will you be my girlfriend? I couldn’t believe it at first- who the hell would want to be with me? Well it seemed this crazy girl did.
While I did have some commitment issues after previous heartbreak and exploring my fluidity on the ‘gay scene,’ there was no denying how I felt for you. You were beautiful, perfect and the girl of my dreams. So of course, I said yes.
Little did I know at the time, but deep inside me there were also some bigger shifts happening. The person I was was changing entirely. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally.
Things started off smooth. There was no arguing, no bitterness, no anger. It was very unlike any relationship I had ever been in before, and I liked that. And having grown up in a home that was constantly full of tension and loud, it was quite refreshing to be with somebody that valued peace and quiet.
You spoiled me with love and affection. I loved the way you wanted cuddles when you were upset or down. The way you called me ‘baby’ and looked at me like I was the only girl in the world. The way you always said you missed me. You made me feel so ridiculously special, my heart sang. I didn’t care how different we were, I felt our souls had aligned to show me what true love is.
I remember the day when you went away to Melbourne to visit your sister and niece. You called me and were so adorable on the phone, it made me miss you like crazy. I had never missed anyone before like that. And when you came home, you brought me back and pair of pink joggers, my favourite colour and my favourite type of shoes! This girl was definitely a keeper.
I have so many memories of us, more then just the early days like when we made the decision to move to Melbourne together, when I surprised you with a trip to Phillip Island for your birthday and when we lived all in that one house with 7 girls, which was particularly mental but you made it bearable.
The way you were with Char and our babies, your caring, loving nature made you want to be the mother of my children, but before that my wife. I envisioned me proposing to you, popping the question by a waterfall in the Dandenong Ranges. I pictured our wedding, so beautiful and quaint with only those close to us. Our whole future together was planned in my head, and that is what I was working towards.
What I didn’t see coming was my sickness. CFS came along by surprise and turned my life, our life upside down. I lost a huge part of myself, a huge part of my zest for life and if I couldn’t love who I had become then how the hell could anybody else love me? I cried so much and I needed you to be strong when I was weak. You did your best, but as you can imagine being somebody’s rock does get draining.
It didn’t help that I had nobody else. No friends or family here in Melbourne, besides yours, they were all back home. I know I probably became too dependent on you and suffocated you from living the life you should have. There were so many times where I should have let you go, so you could not be subjected to my dismal life anymore.
But every time I would think it, I would cry. My life without you would be worthless. And then every time I gave you the option, you said you could never let me go, you loved me too much. If only that would have been forever.
As our relationship progressed over the 3 years, I really did fall in love with you more, even every flaw. I loved being your housewife after your hard, stressful day at work. I looked forward to our cuddles on the lounge every night. But movie and munchie nights were my fave. The great thing about being with you was the lack of pressure to be physical and active. Demanding was a thing you were not.
We didn’t tend to go out much, maybe to the movies every now and then. We lived quite a grandma life, as you do when you are coupled up and ill. Maybe I needed to take you out more? To surprise you with luxurious outings? Maybe that was my downfall. That was where my lack of energy defeated me.
I admit, I did want to change you at first. And I am very sorry for that. While I loved you for the person you were, your habits such as smoking and eating junk food began to make me worry. Not just for the sake of your health, but for the sake of our future together. I wanted to spend my life with you and live life to the full until we were old and grey. I didn’t want to end up caring for you because you got lung cancer or some other illness because you didn’t value your health now. I guess I could try and make you see the importance of that, but you can never change someone. Especially someone as stubborn as her.
My recovery did change me, I became more spiritual and selfish, but I had to if I was going to get better for me, for us, for our future. Was I too selfish though? Too self involved? Did I ignore all the signs for your attention?
I loved cooking for you, cleaning for you and giving you massages. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But as time progressed I felt as though that was not reciprocated. Your interest and love for me began to fade. You couldn’t see it, but I could, I just didn’t want to admit it. Not only were you my girlfriend, but my best friend and I couldn’t lose you.
But that day, sometime at the end of August, that day came. After so much happening and the forces of life trying to tear us apart, you gave in. I love you but I am not in love with you anymore- I remember those words so clearly- It was like my whole world came crushing down.
I was devastated and heartbroken. I didn’t want it to be this way. But you weren’t happy you said and I couldn’t have that. I don’t care how much I suffered, the pain it caused, your happiness were more important then anything in this world. Deep down I wanted to be selfish, to have you despite your unhappiness, but I loved you so much I had to let you go. And your beautiful family didn’t make it any easier to detach myself.
It has now been 3 months and in 2 days it would have been our 3 year anniversary. I was going to plan something special, but instead now I sit here in my mum’s apartment writing out my heart and soul.
Most days I am okay, I am stronger then I thought, but some days I just cry, trying to cry all the pain away. It isn’t just a break up, it’s the loss of a best friend, grieving a companion and the cruel thought of never seeing them again. Never hearing their voice, never watching corny tv shows, never cuddling them. Those days are dead and gone.
I write this not to help my grieving but to say to you I am sorry. I am sorry for the person I am and couldn’t be, the person you deserve. I am sorry for trying to change you, to make you more like me. I am sorry for not loving you for the person you were born to be.
I know we may not have been soul mates, life partners with the world at our toes, but I pictured it in my mind like it was reality and now its all disposed.
I hope one day you meet someone that loves you like I did, that treats you with the kindness you deserve and lets you just be you.
Letting go is never easy, I still miss you today but I know that our paths crossed for a reason but the lessons are still unravelling, still working out their purpose. Right now I am still a little lost though as I figure out my direction as a lone wolf.
Thank you for blessing my life with such grace and happiness, it meant more to me then words.
I wish you forever happiness and excitement on your journey of life.
Maybe one day our paths will cross again.
I love you from the deepest of vessel of my heart.