My head hurts. My limbs ache. My thoughts are clouded. All I want to do is sleep.
Its 12.34am and while I forced myself to get out of bed at 8am this morning, I find myself reverting back here after exerting all my energy.
This is not normal for my CFS. This is what we call an illness related setback- one catalysed by a decline in my immunity and the infection of a virus. But sometimes it is difficult to decipher between the two types of setbacks, the other being a usual CFS ‘overdoing’ it type setback.
The treatment for an illness related setback may seem simple- rest, medication and healthy eating until the symptoms have subsided. Sounds easy right? Well let me tell you it is definitely harder then it is seems. Telling a type A, naturally active person to stay in bed and just rest and recuperate is near impossible. Particularly when the sun is shining and all I want to do is play outside.
I am trying to relax and let my body heal, but there is so much happening outside and I just don’t want to miss out on it. Not only that, but I am worried that all the hard work I put into the gym will be reversed and I will put on a tonne of weight. I can’t do that when I am now single. I need to be slim and sexy! And when I am unable to exercise, I can’t help but squeeze in a sneaky bit of chocolate or junk food to ease my suffering. Yes, suffering! Not being able to be active and do the things I want to do is suffering to me.
When I consulted with my Psychic recently, she said something to me that resonated quite a lot- ‘I need to love myself even when I am fatigued, cloudy and exhausted and cannot do much because this is ultimate self love.’ In other words, self love will be the key to healing even when I am stuck in a time warp. The concept is great, but putting this into action is a slow process.
Exercise and being active has always been a treatment for my depression, making me feel better about myself and the world. However what CFS is forcing me to do is to stop and deal with these emotions with a limited ability to use physical activity to manage them. All the issues built up from the past 28 (almost 29) years of my life has come to the surface giving me no choice but to deal with them. And on days like today when my activity levels are really limited, well these emotions kind of overwhelm me with their presence.
I am doing my best to deal with them and to in turn retrain my subconscious mind to think differently about thoughts that have been invested in me. Feelings of unworthiness from break-ups, bullying and rejection which led to my lower then normal self-esteem and self-confidence. Feelings of insecurity because of a non-nuclear family upbringing and limited display of love and affection which led to my attachment to others and settling in relationships because I thought nobody else could ever love me. Feelings of hopelessness from a poor financial situation, comparing myself to others and inability to build a successful career yet. All of these feelings are just right there in my face, hanging out like it is some kind of feeling party that I don’t want to be a part of.
In the process of dealing with these, I have utilised the most effective tools I can find- podcasts, youtube videos and books on self development and affirmations. And I can definitely see some progress, even as a write this. My past is my past, and while yes I may have had low-self esteem, self-confidence, been insecure or felt hopeless or worthless because of what happened it is ultimately my choice on how I continue to feel. I must no longer continue to sabotage my own future with these emotions. I am a confident, loved and strong woman who is going to succeed in overcoming CFS and building my own business empire. I am in charge of my life, now and in the future. I am in control.
I am proud of the fact that I motivated myself to get out of bed at 8am this morning, forcing myself to practice my positive affirmations, gratitudes, meditate in the sun and pack for my road trip to the Central Coast. But as I listen to my body and the emotions and feelings it is screaming at me I need to rest because this virus is really knocking me around. As much as I want to go to the gym, go for a walk or do some yoga, my energy levels are limited because I am trying to recover from this sickness. And the only way I am going to get back to doing the things I love is by resting- yes that is a relatively new addition to Teaghan’s dictionary.
It is not easy trying to change your thoughts, mindset and subconscious, but sometimes life just gives you no other choice and your survival instinct kicks in. Learning to love myself for the complete person I am currently has been very challenging, especially at this point in time when I am a little under the weather. But I am learning to treat myself as if I were my own child- loved unconditionally. Regardless of whether I am unwell, cloudy as all hell, exhausted or depressed or on the other end of the spectrum happy, energetic and healthy, I love myself. Yes I have my flaws and I am working on overcoming them but I know with self love, anything else can come. With self love my confidence, high self-esteem, inner beauty and worthiness will shine through generating a life of happiness, health, wealth and ultimately success. The life that I DESERVE!
As I work through all of these present emotions and feelings and my recovery I know that all of this is just setting me up for my ultimate life. The life that dreams are made of. The life where I take on the world.
So today may be a bit of a rough day, but I know that it is just a stepping stone and a test to create me into the person I need to be for my success. My world may be operating in slow motion as I rest in bed, but what is happening in my mind is one of the biggest journeys of my life. I know that with every feeling, every thought, I am creating the best version of me. And I will do every thing in my power to ensure that all of these feelings and thoughts are transformed in a way that is positive and educational.
Today will be the day to just relax, enjoy me time and the present. When I am feeling better, that will be my cue to getting back to my exercise baseline and then I can progress from there. But today is all about chilling out.
Don’t mind me while I am off in my own little world, working my magic and doing my thing.
Love to you all working through your things.