The Unknown

Chapter

 

I  hate this, I really hate this sometimes.

Honestly, I have been working so hard to get myself back to a balanced life. Eating healthy, doing yoga and working out at the gym, practicing gratitude and positive affirmations, meditating and reading books and listening to audiobooks on self-development, as well as giving myself a whole heap of self-love, so why is it that I feel so horrible today?

All I want right now is a life of normality. To wake up and jump out of bed full of energy, go out and hustle working on my business and just smash through university getting the best results I can. I want to go out a socialise, making a whole heap of friends and hang out with them regularly like other people too. I want to train like a beast at the gym working towards my six pack and get super fit again so that I can compete in marathons and cycle. Is it so much to ask for my body to cooperate with me to help me achieve these desires?

Days like today though I feel as though normality is never going to happen for me. I know it will but it just seems so far in the future. I am trying to be present and just embrace the moment but it can be difficult when you feel as though you are going to be stuck in this state of fatigue, cloudiness and depression forever.

Yesterday I felt so horrible that after picking Eve up from school, I literally walked into the Doctor and almost collapsed. After crying most of the day I was just at breaking point and could not take this anymore. I try not to play the victim, but what is happening in my body is certainly making me feel like one. I feel a though I have lost all control.

The Doctor seemed to think that in addition to this being a setback, things had been amplified by some stomach issues. As he provided me with a diagnosis, a small part of me started to think that perhaps this was the issue all along and that in fixing this, the fatigue, cloudiness and depression would become obsolete. However, today has proved otherwise.

Trust me, I am not usually this negative and I apologise to those people reading and my own mind for being this way. I’m usually quite capable of lifting myself back up. Today is just being extra challenging.

Usually, when I feel this way and I cannot lift my spirits, my mum is the one who is there and always has been to support me. It’s times like this I realise how much I depended on her to help me get through these rough times and not having her here is proving incredibly difficult. I miss her and her positive energy beyond words.

She is not here though and I do not want to bother her nor anyone with my concerns or emotions so instead I turn to a full block of chocolate and Mad Men to try and make me feel better. What I really would like is someone to just make it all go away, but I know that is not possible much to my demise.

I just still don’t understand why this continues to endure so much pain and suffering upon me. Surely I have been through enough already and learned the lessons it was sent to teach me so why cannot it just leave me alone? I’m trying so hard to be strong but I feel like I am just going to crumble.

It hurts to look on Facebook and Instagram, everyone living this fabulous life travelling the world and accomplishing all their goals. Meanwhile, I am just here watching Netflix in bed and barely able to walk 15 minutes to the shops to get a chai latte. I want to be happy for others, and I am, but it is so hard to just watch the world keep spinning while you are stuck, not going anywhere.

I try to reframe my negative thoughts, as I usually do with such grace and ease. ‘You are going to be like this forever’- No you are not Teaghan, this is just today and it will pass. ‘You will never be able to achieve your goals’- Yes you will Teaghan, just get through this setback and you will come out the other side better for it. ‘You will never find happiness’- Yes you will because you are a wonderful person and worthy of so much.

Usually I can make these new thoughts stick, believing them with my whole heart and mine. Today, they are being a bit stubborn when it comes to sinking in, almost like I am forcing myself to believe them and their truth. I guess that’s what happens when you are feeling down and critical on yourself.

I know that I got myself to this point. I forced myself to overdo it by living this type-A overachiever lifestyle, an implication of living in today’s current fast-paced culture, but surely the blame and self criticism needs to stop. It is what it is, I am aware of why I got to where I am now I need to focus on indulging myself in all of the love in the world to get me to the place of complete recovery, a place I know I am well on the way to achieving despite today.

Anxiety and depression over my inability to achieve what I want to today, the fact that my body is in a state of protest and my dull thoughts are all things happening now, but not forever. I may not be able to go to Uni nor wander far from bed today, on account of this setback and issues with new supplements but things will get better. Tomorrow is a new day.

So what can I do today to make myself feel better? Well besides divulging a whole block of dark chocolate and laying on my bum all day, I may treat myself to a nice bath, enjoy a nice healthy dinner (tofu stir fry) and just focus on restoring my energy before tomorrow.

One thing I do need to learn though is to stop criticizing myself on days like today. I am human, my body is healing and I need to love it, not be angry or frustrated at it. This setback is telling me that I need to make some changes and that I am overdoing it in some respect so I need to tone it down a bit. This one I believe was caused by alcohol (from mardi gras), changing some supplements, some emotional moments and of course doing too much as a result of these supplements. One thing I have realised and mum keeps reiterating this too is that I need to keep things simple. Too much medication, supplements and complication overwhelms my body and disconnects me from the universal force, from being grounded. I need to take it back to basics.

Every time I try new things my body hates it. It becomes overly sensitive, cloudy and difficult and rejects whatever I am doing. Then I get frustrated because I don’t understand what is going on, what is happening inside me, and I get angry at myself for making changes. This just becomes a vicious cycle.

What I need to learn is accept setbacks, not to try and fight them with supplements, etc to get through. I am going to have them so just understand that it is an opportunity to rest and restore, not push harder. That is what got me sick in the first place. I guess the good thing is that they are becoming less regular but they are also becoming more intense. I feel like CFS is a this condition that starts off really bad, then has up and downs in between and like most things ends with a bang. Well I hope this is the case anyway because right now it feels like how I felt in the beginning, when my whole world was falling apart. Only difference is, now I am doing it alone.

I know this is making me the best version of me and putting me on the right path, it is just hard to see sometimes. I try and think of people who are doing a lot worse then me, because I know there are many people out there. I guess sometimes I can’t help getting absorbed in my own crap but I am trying hard to see the bigger picture. Things will be okay.

Instead of being anxious about what could happen or what lies ahead I will just choose to make today as great as I can, despite what has been happening. I choose my thoughts and my thoughts become my reality so I need to make them as wonderful and positive as I can. This is the only way I will heal.

Today was rough, but tonight I will not let things get to me. As we speak I am playing Florence and the Machine in between practicing and recording positive affirmations and already I feel like my spirit has been lifted. I love that these things and writing can help me achieve that, in addition to the wonderful people in my life.

One day I will be me again. Today is now and tomorrow is unknown, so I will choose to live in the now and not worry about the future that lies ahead. I have to just trust in myself, my body and the Universe that things will get better, because I know they will. They definitely will.

This is just one chapter of the book that we aren’t even halfway through.

I’m just going to enjoy this chapter for now.

Happy Reading!

-the Soulful Wanderer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My Japanese Wonderland

 

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Today, after a week of incredible up’s and down’s I escaped to Japan.

Okay, so obviously it wasn’t the real Japan, but it was an incredible taste of the beautiful culture and scenery that Japan offers and a great warm up for my plans to travel there next year.

This is the Japanese Gardens, a beautiful cultural space that surrounds an art gallery and cultural centre in the heart of East Gosford.

I may not be able to financially or physically get to Japan just as yet but this experience was just breathtaking, being surrounded by so much natural beauty it was visually overwhelming. In the best possible way of course.

The gorgeous water painted in lillie pads, koi fish swimming calmly while ducks wandered peacefully on the waters edge. It was like a painting but one that I was a part of.

Everything about this place calmed me, putting aside all of the thoughts that had overwhelmed me the entire week. The stress of uni and business, the sadness over some unexpected, yet somewhat expected news and the yearning for some me time, this was the perfect remedy. Being one with nature, with the animals in a space that was full of beauty and wonder.

As I embraced every moment, every sight, nothing else mattered. Just the astounding wonderfulness of the world we live in.

Life may be full of highs and lows, moments of happiness and moments of sadness, but when we just stop to enjoy the present, none of those emotions can grasp us. The Power of Now by Eckart Toll has helped me comprehend that. The past is the past, the future is in the future, so take life for what it is now in this moment and just love it with all of your being.

In this moment today, while standing amongst the Japanese wonderland, I was able to do just that. Not only was I astonished by the beauty that surrounded me but I was amazed how much listening to the incredible book had helped me. I wasn’t anxiously looking ahead or sadly looking back, I was just so incredibly happy in that now.

Every day, in every moment I am writing the story of my life. I just want to make it a masterpiece that I will look back on one day as the soul-searching journey that defined me. This is why I choose to live in the moment and just make every moment beautiful.

Wherever you are, Japan or far away, just know that you have a choice. Do you want to live for then, now or later. I know what I choose and my life is greater for it.

Live in the moment, for the moment. You won’t regret it.

– the Soulful Wanderer