Is this what rock bottom feels like? When you have fallen so far you have reached the bottom of the ocean. There is nothing left in you and you are finding it hard to breathe. So you just sit at the ocean’s bed waiting for it to take you to that other place.
Right now, I’m listening to the same song on repeat. I may not be literally sitting at the bottom of the ocean, but the ocean is flowing out of me. The tears keep coming and just will not stop. The song is telling me to rise up but I just can’t help feeling like I just keep falling.
I feel like there is just no point in me being here any more. Why keep breathing when you feel like you don’t belong here? Everyone keeps telling me I have so many great things in my life, that there are people doing worse than me. I keep telling myself to stop feeling so sorry for myself. But I can’t numb this pain. I can’t stop these tears from flowing.
I had such a beautiful week last week visiting my family and friends, you would think I would be on such a high, exuding happiness. The truth is though I am now dealing with the aftermath of exhausting too much energy and drinking alcohol. And as I’m already well aware CFS and Depression are the worst possible combination, and adding alcohol to the mix doesn’t help.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if somebody had a magic wand that could make this physical and mental pain go away. That would be a perfect world. This is my reality right now though and I need to accept that.
10 years of medication and I expected it to be smooth sailing now that I am off them. But this is harder than I ever comprehended. I feel like I have a week of good days and then a week where I am just an absolute mess and falling apart. I feel like I am losing my mind entirely.
I’m trying to be kind to myself, trying to understand that my body is just re-balancing. After 10 years having my serotonin regulated by medication, it is going to take time to adjust and start producing its own. I can’t help but feel like maybe this wasn’t a good time to do so. Trying to manage recovery from Chronic Fatigue and dealing with the severe depression, anxiety and mood swings is just all becoming too much.
Today, I felt like dying. I wanted the car to veer off the road and hit me on my morning walk. I wanted to take that whole pack of panadol that lie in front of me. I wanted to jump from the balcony that stood outside my window. I wanted to die, and I didn’t think anyone would care. The darkness had encapsulated me, the voices telling me how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything.
But I am still here. I am writing this with a beating heart and oxygen still in my veins. Because as much as I don’t want to be in this world anymore, what would hurt me more would be seeing my family and friends suffer. I’m just so tired of fighting this fight, of constantly retraining my thoughts and trying to transform them into positive but giving up is the easy way out.
I’ve run from things all my life- opportunities, jobs, people, myself. And look where that got me- right back where I started. Everything was taken away from me so I was faced with the rawness of life. But in this I also found out what is important in it- love for yourself, others and the simple things. Even if on days like today I find it hard to appreciate those things.
I don’t want to keep spinning on this merry-go-round. I just want things to be back to the way they were before. My biggest fear is that I will never find my feet again and that I will be forever trapped in this web of darkness. I’m not this person- this sad, disheveled mess with no zest for life and lost ability to communicate with those I love. I am happy, positive, outgoing and passionate about life. I want that girl back.
She was here last week, even despite the background presence of those voices. But now those negative voices have taken over and I feel consumed with sadness and grief. I have no joy for the things I usually did. I cannot face people or smile or laugh like I usually do. Despite that, I managed to still go for my walk today. Considering I could have stayed in bed all day, I was pretty proud of that achievement.
I keep telling myself things will get better. The optimistic voice in me keeps trying to sneak in and dominate the overbearing negative self talk. My body is finding its balance, its new normal. Be patient, be kind the best you can. It is taking all my strength to fight this battle, these two battles. It certainly is challenging when your physical and mental health are out of alignment. It is like a set of scales that no matter what you put on each end, they just don’t balance.
I’m just trying to take it day by day. Days like today when it hurts to be in my head, like I need to escape it, I just want to write off. But these days, the greatest learning of all occurs. On these days, I am lead right back here to write about it and through my words, find the little lessons. That’s what life is about right?
I may be at breaking point and wanting to run away from everything- the support of my family, my friends, the place I live, Uni but what will that ever achieve. If I keep running, I’ll just keep using up all my energy. And right now, energy conservation is what matters most as my body and mind are fighting for stability, balance and most importantly, my life.
Once again words and music have saved me and I can breathe again. I am slowly rising from the ocean’s depths, my oxygen tank full of love and hope. I got through today, and that was a victory but I have no doubts there will be more days like this. Hopefully, they will be less painful and emotional.
I will rise up with all that I have. And move mountains.
Depression will never win.
– the Soulful Wanderer