The Unknown

Chapter

 

I  hate this, I really hate this sometimes.

Honestly, I have been working so hard to get myself back to a balanced life. Eating healthy, doing yoga and working out at the gym, practicing gratitude and positive affirmations, meditating and reading books and listening to audiobooks on self-development, as well as giving myself a whole heap of self-love, so why is it that I feel so horrible today?

All I want right now is a life of normality. To wake up and jump out of bed full of energy, go out and hustle working on my business and just smash through university getting the best results I can. I want to go out a socialise, making a whole heap of friends and hang out with them regularly like other people too. I want to train like a beast at the gym working towards my six pack and get super fit again so that I can compete in marathons and cycle. Is it so much to ask for my body to cooperate with me to help me achieve these desires?

Days like today though I feel as though normality is never going to happen for me. I know it will but it just seems so far in the future. I am trying to be present and just embrace the moment but it can be difficult when you feel as though you are going to be stuck in this state of fatigue, cloudiness and depression forever.

Yesterday I felt so horrible that after picking Eve up from school, I literally walked into the Doctor and almost collapsed. After crying most of the day I was just at breaking point and could not take this anymore. I try not to play the victim, but what is happening in my body is certainly making me feel like one. I feel a though I have lost all control.

The Doctor seemed to think that in addition to this being a setback, things had been amplified by some stomach issues. As he provided me with a diagnosis, a small part of me started to think that perhaps this was the issue all along and that in fixing this, the fatigue, cloudiness and depression would become obsolete. However, today has proved otherwise.

Trust me, I am not usually this negative and I apologise to those people reading and my own mind for being this way. I’m usually quite capable of lifting myself back up. Today is just being extra challenging.

Usually, when I feel this way and I cannot lift my spirits, my mum is the one who is there and always has been to support me. It’s times like this I realise how much I depended on her to help me get through these rough times and not having her here is proving incredibly difficult. I miss her and her positive energy beyond words.

She is not here though and I do not want to bother her nor anyone with my concerns or emotions so instead I turn to a full block of chocolate and Mad Men to try and make me feel better. What I really would like is someone to just make it all go away, but I know that is not possible much to my demise.

I just still don’t understand why this continues to endure so much pain and suffering upon me. Surely I have been through enough already and learned the lessons it was sent to teach me so why cannot it just leave me alone? I’m trying so hard to be strong but I feel like I am just going to crumble.

It hurts to look on Facebook and Instagram, everyone living this fabulous life travelling the world and accomplishing all their goals. Meanwhile, I am just here watching Netflix in bed and barely able to walk 15 minutes to the shops to get a chai latte. I want to be happy for others, and I am, but it is so hard to just watch the world keep spinning while you are stuck, not going anywhere.

I try to reframe my negative thoughts, as I usually do with such grace and ease. ‘You are going to be like this forever’- No you are not Teaghan, this is just today and it will pass. ‘You will never be able to achieve your goals’- Yes you will Teaghan, just get through this setback and you will come out the other side better for it. ‘You will never find happiness’- Yes you will because you are a wonderful person and worthy of so much.

Usually I can make these new thoughts stick, believing them with my whole heart and mine. Today, they are being a bit stubborn when it comes to sinking in, almost like I am forcing myself to believe them and their truth. I guess that’s what happens when you are feeling down and critical on yourself.

I know that I got myself to this point. I forced myself to overdo it by living this type-A overachiever lifestyle, an implication of living in today’s current fast-paced culture, but surely the blame and self criticism needs to stop. It is what it is, I am aware of why I got to where I am now I need to focus on indulging myself in all of the love in the world to get me to the place of complete recovery, a place I know I am well on the way to achieving despite today.

Anxiety and depression over my inability to achieve what I want to today, the fact that my body is in a state of protest and my dull thoughts are all things happening now, but not forever. I may not be able to go to Uni nor wander far from bed today, on account of this setback and issues with new supplements but things will get better. Tomorrow is a new day.

So what can I do today to make myself feel better? Well besides divulging a whole block of dark chocolate and laying on my bum all day, I may treat myself to a nice bath, enjoy a nice healthy dinner (tofu stir fry) and just focus on restoring my energy before tomorrow.

One thing I do need to learn though is to stop criticizing myself on days like today. I am human, my body is healing and I need to love it, not be angry or frustrated at it. This setback is telling me that I need to make some changes and that I am overdoing it in some respect so I need to tone it down a bit. This one I believe was caused by alcohol (from mardi gras), changing some supplements, some emotional moments and of course doing too much as a result of these supplements. One thing I have realised and mum keeps reiterating this too is that I need to keep things simple. Too much medication, supplements and complication overwhelms my body and disconnects me from the universal force, from being grounded. I need to take it back to basics.

Every time I try new things my body hates it. It becomes overly sensitive, cloudy and difficult and rejects whatever I am doing. Then I get frustrated because I don’t understand what is going on, what is happening inside me, and I get angry at myself for making changes. This just becomes a vicious cycle.

What I need to learn is accept setbacks, not to try and fight them with supplements, etc to get through. I am going to have them so just understand that it is an opportunity to rest and restore, not push harder. That is what got me sick in the first place. I guess the good thing is that they are becoming less regular but they are also becoming more intense. I feel like CFS is a this condition that starts off really bad, then has up and downs in between and like most things ends with a bang. Well I hope this is the case anyway because right now it feels like how I felt in the beginning, when my whole world was falling apart. Only difference is, now I am doing it alone.

I know this is making me the best version of me and putting me on the right path, it is just hard to see sometimes. I try and think of people who are doing a lot worse then me, because I know there are many people out there. I guess sometimes I can’t help getting absorbed in my own crap but I am trying hard to see the bigger picture. Things will be okay.

Instead of being anxious about what could happen or what lies ahead I will just choose to make today as great as I can, despite what has been happening. I choose my thoughts and my thoughts become my reality so I need to make them as wonderful and positive as I can. This is the only way I will heal.

Today was rough, but tonight I will not let things get to me. As we speak I am playing Florence and the Machine in between practicing and recording positive affirmations and already I feel like my spirit has been lifted. I love that these things and writing can help me achieve that, in addition to the wonderful people in my life.

One day I will be me again. Today is now and tomorrow is unknown, so I will choose to live in the now and not worry about the future that lies ahead. I have to just trust in myself, my body and the Universe that things will get better, because I know they will. They definitely will.

This is just one chapter of the book that we aren’t even halfway through.

I’m just going to enjoy this chapter for now.

Happy Reading!

-the Soulful Wanderer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

The Self-Love Journey

20161130_151248

Self-love has never come easy for me.

As somebody who was naturally shy and introverted, had a rough upbringing in a tense environment, was victim to the bullying and bitchiness at my all girls school, self confidence and self-esteem were never my strong points. And realising I was gay later in life didn’t help either.

So now, at this ripe old age of 28 and suffering chronic illness, naturally all of these feelings have come to the surface and created a need for me to address them with self-love. And the reading from a psychic recently has emphasised that requirement.

Last week, after months of uncertainty and curiosity over the future direction of my life following the break up and resignation of my job, I decided to consult with a psychic in the hope that would give me some kind of direction with my life.

And after much anticipation, the result was a little more comforting then what I thought it would be.

Firstly, and not by any coincidence I think, I found out that my psychic also suffered from Chronic Fatigue. What are the odds of that? I guess this illness is coming more prominent but cannot help but feel this was a sign from the universe!

Secondly, what she said about my current and not-to-distant future situation really helped me see some clarity. In a nutshell, this is what she said:

  1. The reason why I feel as though I am not making progress with my recovery is because my life is at a stand-still and the only thing that will move me forward is radical self love. I must learn to listen to my body more and praise it for what is doing to help me recovery instead of constantly criticising and putting myself down for the things I can’t do. If I am able to, with the help of Mother Mary and Archangel Isis learn to love myself immensely, then my chances of recovering by December 2017 will be greatly improved. I also need to focus on taking slow steps, not setting too bigger goals and enjoying complete rest days when required without feeling guilty.
  2. My relationship with my ex was not a loveless one. My ex did love me and care about me however realised that she had lost control of her life and of the relationship. The break up was her attempt to regain that control and to deal with the issues that had been holding her back. Apparently, she did have regrets about the ending of the relationship and within the next 18 months or so I will receive clarity around that.
  3. In the next 3 months I just need to focus on taking things easy and doing things that I enjoy and that make me happy. Reading, writing, getting out in nature, training, exploring, socialising, cooking, yoga and meditating. All of the things that make me the more grounded person that I am
  4. Between now and 6-8 months time I will surround myself with a network of positive, uplifting women that will help in the healing process. In the process I will meet or may have already met a person who could potentially be my soulmate, if I chose, or at least a friend and within a few months we will move in together. It is my call if this eventuates into anything more.
  5. Within the next 2 years, I will own and operate my own successful business. I will firstly get involved in digital marketing, combined with my marketing expertise, to generate some income, and then eventually will create a business in my own desired field. She also advised me that a job will come up in the next few months that will be a gift from the universe.
  6. She advised me not to stress about money as in a few months I will be offered some money as a gift and encouraged for me to take it. I will also find a way to conquer my financial woes but I just need to relax for now. There is plenty of money in the world and it will find it’s way back to me.

So I guess, from all of that, the most enlightening part was that I need to focus on loving myself and from there everything else will fall into place. Therefore I have made a vow to myself, from this moment forward I will focus on me, putting 100% into making myself the loving, healthy and healed person I was meant to be.

A lot of it will require retraining my thoughts and I intend to do that through meditation, positive affirmations, gratitude and self development books and podcasts. I vow to only surround myself with positive people that lift me higher and avoid those who attempt to bring me down or bring drama into my life. And I refuse to let any type of negative talk or criticism find it’s way into my mind. There is only space for love, kindness and positivity in this mind of mine.

I will avoid comparing myself to others, putting myself down or punishing myself for mistakes and avoiding dealing with my issues. I will stop feeling rushed, like I have to make up for all the time I lost being sick, and push myself to achieve goals that I am not ready to achieve. I will achieve great things in due time, I just need to be patient and believe in the power of the universe.

I must also learn that I cannot rely on anybody to fill my void, that only I can fill that with love and kindness for myself. I am the most important person in the world and nobody can love me until I learn to love myself and the beautiful person that I am, and I can feel that I am getting there. I do love myself to a degree, but the rough days where the depression emerges, I need to learn to conquer that. Once I overcome this, then when something eventuates into a more beautiful relationship with a girl that I meet, then I will be ready.

So right now my main focus is this: radical self love, beautiful friendships and exploring all of the things that I enjoy and make me who I am. I will immerse myself in nature, writing, training at the gym, yoga, meditation, personal development, reading and building great relationships with incredible people. And then will great things follow- love, happiness and abundance.

I am on the pursuit of happiness.

Don’t mind me while I learn to fly.

teaghanlee xxx

 

Midnight Revelations

Last night, at midnight, in a club of hundreds of people, I had a revelation.

Out of all places, who would of thought that on the dance floor of an Irish pub, in your sober state and surrounded by ruthless, intoxicated beings that you could have a moment. Well I confess, it happened to me.

Ever since the break up, I have been going through some major adjustments in the journey to try and find myself once again. Adjusting to being alone, finding my new routine and rediscovering my happiness. And boy, has it been an arduous and overwhelming process.

Naturally, when you emerge from a relatively long term relationship, in your state of bitterness and hurt, you kind of want to get out there and just have some random hookups to rub in your ex’s face. To show them that this is what they are missing out on, to make them jealous. Or to help mask the pain you are feeling with some other level of attachment. Not only did I feel I wanted to do this, despite the amicable breakup, but I put an imaginary sense of pressure on myself to do so. I did this, as the old, insecure and superficial me would once do. A person I thought had disappeared from my life forever.

After a few weeks, post break up (or maybe a week), I put myself on all the latest dating sites. Tinder, HER, Plenty of Fish, whatever I could find. I was just so clouded and keen to fill that void. And just quietly after 3 years of a relationship, was keen to get on the Tinder band wagon to see what all the hype was about. Now that I reflect, it’s a pretty stupid concept though, selecting girls and matching with them based on a picture. A true connection is centered around so much more then that. But admittedly, I did meet some cool people in the few weeks of my tinder/online dating journey.

In the whirlwind of emotion, I also felt it was essential to get myself back into the partying scene to try and get myself out there as much as possible (god knows why as I had had no success with this in the past). But after being in Melbourne for almost 3 years and having no idea of the latest lesbian night club hot spots, this was going to prove to be a bit of a challenge. And a scary one with the concept of not knowing any other lesbians in Melbourne. If I was back in Sydney, I would have been able to reconnect with all my gay friends and once again hit my fave lesbian pubs and clubs. But here, I was pretty alone.

In my journey’s on Tinder, I was lucky enough to meet some girls that kind of showed me the ropes when it comes to the Melbourne lesbian night life scene. However I knew my biggest challenge would not be finding cool places to hang out. The biggest challenge would be managing chronic fatigue with the required party lifestyle that I believed I needed to live out to meet girls. And learning to find a balance. Lets just say, late nights, drinking and lots of socialising don’t play out too well when you have limited energy levels. And managing that in between working, exercising and eating healthy was definitely going to be difficult. But if I wanted to meet new girls, this was the only way I could do it, wasn’t it? Well according to the old me, this was the case.

In the weeks, up until last night I focused on this mentality. As I scrolled through the profiles on Tinder and HER and the endless amounts of girls depicting drinking as a hobby or an essential in their pictures, I felt even more pressure to cave into the societal norms. Drinks, drinks and more drinks was the way it had to be if I wanted to find someone new. Or even just a new bunch of friends to hang out with. In hindsight, this was all probably a stupid idea.

On a few occasions, I ended up at some gay clubs where I bared witness to the new lifestyle I felt obligated to be a part of. I drank way too many shots, I danced way too much, perhaps even on a stage as well, and I made out with some pretty gorgeous girls. In those moments, I was happy and loving life. Was this what I really wanted though? To party all night to suffer the next day, even week after? To make an idiot of myself and make myself vulnerable after way too much alcohol? I guess I was just too clouded by my mission and hurt to think straight.

But last night, I finally realised something. This lifestyle, this so called obligation that I had pressured myself to give in to, it is not me.

For the past few years after getting chronic fatigue, I have battled so hard to change my thinking, my habits and my lifestyle. Instead of drinking shit loads of coffee to get through the day, keeping busy to the point where I never stopped, exercising like a machine and partying like crazy, I now preferred drinking tea, pacing my days, walks in the sunshine and Netflix and chilling as an alternative. My illness had come not to punish me or make me suffer, but as a blessing in disguise that allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

In that moment, while looking around the room at all the people making a mess of themselves, stumbling out of the toilet or dry humping in the corner, I came to the conclusion that I am not like this anymore. No longer did I feel like getting inebriated, hooking up with straight girls or dancing like I have had way to much vodka red bull. All I wanted to do was meet new people and have deep conversations about life. I had become a changed woman. And the changed woman was not having a bar of this orthodox lifestyle.

For weeks I had been fighting this inner me, the true me that I had become. Truth be told, I had probably been battling it for so much longer. Why? Because it seemed so different from the norm and nobody wants to feel different, even me. All I have ever wanted to do was fit in. But was it really worth sacrificing my newly invested values for? Probably not.

I cannot describe it, but I have always felt like I have never fit in. Even since the days of high school where I much preferred keeping to myself then conversing with people.But especially these days, after finding my new self, in every day society I feel it even more. And this has been one of the biggest challenges in my recovery. Not only have I had to adjust to life with a chronic illness, but I have had to deal with the fact that I am definitely different and think a lot differently to many of those around me. Or maybe I am just associating myself with the wrong people?

Now, I am not trying to sound egotistical nor am I degrading the lives of others around me. Each life has tremendous value, but it is up to that person to discover it. And I truly feel as though I am discovering mine as I operate on this deeper level of consciousness.

I am engaging on a spiritual journey, a life-changing shift and in this quest have discovered so much more about life then I ever thought imaginable. And it has made the little things in life, the petty things, seem so much more trivial. Bitchiness, negativity, drama, hatred, who has time for that? Well when you have limited energy and are on a quest to restore it, you learn that you don’t need pointless, energy-draining things like these in your life to deter you from what is really important- living life. It is the deeper things in this world that provide the most meaning and happiness. The kindness of a stranger, the beauty of nature, the feeling of overcoming your deepest fears, the moment you fall in love. One your death bed, it is these things that you will remember, that will matter.

In all the hype of clubbing, partying and drinking, I found myself contemplating all of these things. Drinking lemon water, having a deep intellectual conversation about life and drowning out all the music and chatter around me, the discovery hits me smack bang in the face. I am made for bigger things then this. And if I keep giving in to these imaginary obligations and trying to fit in with people with different priorities to mine, I will definitely end up back on the path I was on before chronic fatigue came and changed my life course. And that I do not want! So its time for me to get back on track despite this small hiccup of a distraction.

With the help of yoga, meditation, tai chi and healthy eating, I have found that I can derive more happiness from life then I ever thought humanly possible. In transforming from this old excessively energetic, frantic individual to this new, deeper and more centered soul, I am more in love with myself and my life then ever before. No longer can I try and be like everybody else and give into these societal and cultural norms. No longer should I feel like a weirdo for being different. No longer should I be distracted from my life purpose. I must stay true to myself and continue this personal journey that I am on.

For once in my life, my future is clear. Despite the shake up of a break up sending me slightly off course, I now know that I have been redirected back onto the right course. And my god the future is looking bright! World, you better watch out. Dare I say, there may still be some obstacles, like the aforementioned, that I may need to overcome but with each victory, I become a stronger, more intuitive person. And for that I am completely grateful.

What I want now in life is completely separate from anything the old me ever desired. I WILL travel the world, writing and sharing my passions with the people I meet and the one person who makes me happier then I make myself (you know who you are). I WILL continue to meet like-minded people and immerse myself in cultures who share the same morals and drive for life as I do. I WILL continue to fill my body with amazing, healthy foods that fuel me with the energy I need to live life to the full. I WILL restore my life energy and recover from chronic fatigue using yoga, nutrition, meditation and tai chi to help fellow sufferers and inspire them to reclaim their lives. I WILL complete every single thing on my bucket list. I WILL be unstoppable, courageous and infuse positive energy into the lives of others and the world around me.

I do not have time to waste on not being the authentic me.

This is my life purpose. Ain’t no time for diversions now baby.

Get out and live yours!

teaghanlee xxx