Midnight Revelations

Last night, at midnight, in a club of hundreds of people, I had a revelation.

Out of all places, who would of thought that on the dance floor of an Irish pub, in your sober state and surrounded by ruthless, intoxicated beings that you could have a moment. Well I confess, it happened to me.

Ever since the break up, I have been going through some major adjustments in the journey to try and find myself once again. Adjusting to being alone, finding my new routine and rediscovering my happiness. And boy, has it been an arduous and overwhelming process.

Naturally, when you emerge from a relatively long term relationship, in your state of bitterness and hurt, you kind of want to get out there and just have some random hookups to rub in your ex’s face. To show them that this is what they are missing out on, to make them jealous. Or to help mask the pain you are feeling with some other level of attachment. Not only did I feel I wanted to do this, despite the amicable breakup, but I put an imaginary sense of pressure on myself to do so. I did this, as the old, insecure and superficial me would once do. A person I thought had disappeared from my life forever.

After a few weeks, post break up (or maybe a week), I put myself on all the latest dating sites. Tinder, HER, Plenty of Fish, whatever I could find. I was just so clouded and keen to fill that void. And just quietly after 3 years of a relationship, was keen to get on the Tinder band wagon to see what all the hype was about. Now that I reflect, it’s a pretty stupid concept though, selecting girls and matching with them based on a picture. A true connection is centered around so much more then that. But admittedly, I did meet some cool people in the few weeks of my tinder/online dating journey.

In the whirlwind of emotion, I also felt it was essential to get myself back into the partying scene to try and get myself out there as much as possible (god knows why as I had had no success with this in the past). But after being in Melbourne for almost 3 years and having no idea of the latest lesbian night club hot spots, this was going to prove to be a bit of a challenge. And a scary one with the concept of not knowing any other lesbians in Melbourne. If I was back in Sydney, I would have been able to reconnect with all my gay friends and once again hit my fave lesbian pubs and clubs. But here, I was pretty alone.

In my journey’s on Tinder, I was lucky enough to meet some girls that kind of showed me the ropes when it comes to the Melbourne lesbian night life scene. However I knew my biggest challenge would not be finding cool places to hang out. The biggest challenge would be managing chronic fatigue with the required party lifestyle that I believed I needed to live out to meet girls. And learning to find a balance. Lets just say, late nights, drinking and lots of socialising don’t play out too well when you have limited energy levels. And managing that in between working, exercising and eating healthy was definitely going to be difficult. But if I wanted to meet new girls, this was the only way I could do it, wasn’t it? Well according to the old me, this was the case.

In the weeks, up until last night I focused on this mentality. As I scrolled through the profiles on Tinder and HER and the endless amounts of girls depicting drinking as a hobby or an essential in their pictures, I felt even more pressure to cave into the societal norms. Drinks, drinks and more drinks was the way it had to be if I wanted to find someone new. Or even just a new bunch of friends to hang out with. In hindsight, this was all probably a stupid idea.

On a few occasions, I ended up at some gay clubs where I bared witness to the new lifestyle I felt obligated to be a part of. I drank way too many shots, I danced way too much, perhaps even on a stage as well, and I made out with some pretty gorgeous girls. In those moments, I was happy and loving life. Was this what I really wanted though? To party all night to suffer the next day, even week after? To make an idiot of myself and make myself vulnerable after way too much alcohol? I guess I was just too clouded by my mission and hurt to think straight.

But last night, I finally realised something. This lifestyle, this so called obligation that I had pressured myself to give in to, it is not me.

For the past few years after getting chronic fatigue, I have battled so hard to change my thinking, my habits and my lifestyle. Instead of drinking shit loads of coffee to get through the day, keeping busy to the point where I never stopped, exercising like a machine and partying like crazy, I now preferred drinking tea, pacing my days, walks in the sunshine and Netflix and chilling as an alternative. My illness had come not to punish me or make me suffer, but as a blessing in disguise that allowed me to re-evaluate my life.

In that moment, while looking around the room at all the people making a mess of themselves, stumbling out of the toilet or dry humping in the corner, I came to the conclusion that I am not like this anymore. No longer did I feel like getting inebriated, hooking up with straight girls or dancing like I have had way to much vodka red bull. All I wanted to do was meet new people and have deep conversations about life. I had become a changed woman. And the changed woman was not having a bar of this orthodox lifestyle.

For weeks I had been fighting this inner me, the true me that I had become. Truth be told, I had probably been battling it for so much longer. Why? Because it seemed so different from the norm and nobody wants to feel different, even me. All I have ever wanted to do was fit in. But was it really worth sacrificing my newly invested values for? Probably not.

I cannot describe it, but I have always felt like I have never fit in. Even since the days of high school where I much preferred keeping to myself then conversing with people.But especially these days, after finding my new self, in every day society I feel it even more. And this has been one of the biggest challenges in my recovery. Not only have I had to adjust to life with a chronic illness, but I have had to deal with the fact that I am definitely different and think a lot differently to many of those around me. Or maybe I am just associating myself with the wrong people?

Now, I am not trying to sound egotistical nor am I degrading the lives of others around me. Each life has tremendous value, but it is up to that person to discover it. And I truly feel as though I am discovering mine as I operate on this deeper level of consciousness.

I am engaging on a spiritual journey, a life-changing shift and in this quest have discovered so much more about life then I ever thought imaginable. And it has made the little things in life, the petty things, seem so much more trivial. Bitchiness, negativity, drama, hatred, who has time for that? Well when you have limited energy and are on a quest to restore it, you learn that you don’t need pointless, energy-draining things like these in your life to deter you from what is really important- living life. It is the deeper things in this world that provide the most meaning and happiness. The kindness of a stranger, the beauty of nature, the feeling of overcoming your deepest fears, the moment you fall in love. One your death bed, it is these things that you will remember, that will matter.

In all the hype of clubbing, partying and drinking, I found myself contemplating all of these things. Drinking lemon water, having a deep intellectual conversation about life and drowning out all the music and chatter around me, the discovery hits me smack bang in the face. I am made for bigger things then this. And if I keep giving in to these imaginary obligations and trying to fit in with people with different priorities to mine, I will definitely end up back on the path I was on before chronic fatigue came and changed my life course. And that I do not want! So its time for me to get back on track despite this small hiccup of a distraction.

With the help of yoga, meditation, tai chi and healthy eating, I have found that I can derive more happiness from life then I ever thought humanly possible. In transforming from this old excessively energetic, frantic individual to this new, deeper and more centered soul, I am more in love with myself and my life then ever before. No longer can I try and be like everybody else and give into these societal and cultural norms. No longer should I feel like a weirdo for being different. No longer should I be distracted from my life purpose. I must stay true to myself and continue this personal journey that I am on.

For once in my life, my future is clear. Despite the shake up of a break up sending me slightly off course, I now know that I have been redirected back onto the right course. And my god the future is looking bright! World, you better watch out. Dare I say, there may still be some obstacles, like the aforementioned, that I may need to overcome but with each victory, I become a stronger, more intuitive person. And for that I am completely grateful.

What I want now in life is completely separate from anything the old me ever desired. I WILL travel the world, writing and sharing my passions with the people I meet and the one person who makes me happier then I make myself (you know who you are). I WILL continue to meet like-minded people and immerse myself in cultures who share the same morals and drive for life as I do. I WILL continue to fill my body with amazing, healthy foods that fuel me with the energy I need to live life to the full. I WILL restore my life energy and recover from chronic fatigue using yoga, nutrition, meditation and tai chi to help fellow sufferers and inspire them to reclaim their lives. I WILL complete every single thing on my bucket list. I WILL be unstoppable, courageous and infuse positive energy into the lives of others and the world around me.

I do not have time to waste on not being the authentic me.

This is my life purpose. Ain’t no time for diversions now baby.

Get out and live yours!

teaghanlee xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Heal Yourself After a Break Up

So as most of you already know, breakups are a bitch.

Recently, and by recently I mean precisely a month ago, my ex made the fateful decision to end our relationship. After almost 3 years together, a relocation from Sydney to Melbourne and the adoption of two babies, the time had come for us to part ways after she admitted to me that she was no longer in love with me anymore.

When I first heard those words slip out of her mouth, I felt stupid. I knew from the beginning that we were two very different people but being my optimistic self I always envisioned that eventually we would align. But as fate would have it our relationship was just not strong enough to handle our differences as well as my struggle with chronic fatigue, it’s consequential financial woes and some family hardships along the way.

I admit, despite knowing this day would eventually come it has still been a frikon roller- coaster. I know it’s for the best and that this is the perfect opportunity to explore and find myself, but after becoming so accustomed to that one person and living for them it is bloody challenging to adjust to a life without them. This month has just been an up and down battle with grief, and that plus chronic fatigue has just wreaked havoc on my emotional stability.

In saying this, I decided I had two ways to deal with this. I could be a super depressed bitch feeling sorry for myself, reeling in pain, criticising myself for all the things I did to destroy the relationship and shutting off from the world entirely. Or I could instead take this as a chance to rediscover myself and heal. So a few days after the break up, I made a decision. This time, I will choose the latter option and become the best version of me possible. And this is my how to guide on how, so far, I am achieving that and by following, you can do the same.

  1. Do things that you enjoy for you and nobody else. This may sound kind of weird but along my journey of recovery I really came to enjoy doing things by myself. I loved going for long walks in nature, reading a good book and meditating. However I always felt like I couldn’t do these things with the freedom I wanted to do as I felt obligated to please the other person and do what they wanted to do. And it was these things that I knew would contribute to making me better. So now instead of feeling like I have to sit down and watch an unexciting movie or TV series or staying inside all day to make someone else happy I instead grab a good book, have a bath or get out exploring in nature. Even enjoying a nice tea in a cute cafe has become one of my favourite hobbies.
  2. Be grateful for what your relationship taught you. When we go through a breakup,  we can’t help but be clouded by the negatives. But instead try looking at the relationship in a different light. I truly believe that every relationship and every girl I have dated came into my life to teach me something. My first girlfriend taught me how to be more social and have a good sense of humour. My second girlfriend taught me how to be adventurous and enjoy life more. And my most recent girlfriend taught me how to be more appreciative, caring and calm. While they all ended, some amicably, some not, they all contributed to the person I am and love today. Whether we like it or not, everybody comes into our life for a reason. And whether it is our choice or their’s a point comes where their purpose in your life has been fulfilled and it is a time to move onto bigger and better things and make new meaningful magical relationships. No relationship is a failure or regret, just a life lesson so don’t dwell on the negatives.
  3. Open yourself up to new experiences. Truth be told, you probably didn’t do a lot of things in your relationship because you felt limited by another person. But now, you don’t have that concern any more. You are free! Take the time to explore your passions and more adventurous sides. Try that hot yoga class you have been wanting to do. Do that cooking class you’ve been eager to do. Hell, go out bungee jumping if you want to! Your world should be full of endless opportunities and nothing can stop you now. In my experience after being in relationship after relationship and always feeling like I have to be attached to someone, I am now able to find what I really enjoy physically, emotionally, mentally and well sexually. After all new experiences are the only way you are going to find yourself again after losing yourself in the relationship.
  4. Surround yourself with positivity. Naturally after a break up you become super negative. You criticise yourself and point out every little thing that is wrong with you, that is unless your ex hasn’t already done that for you. And some days, it can be really hard to lift yourself back up again. So immerse yourself in positive energy. Find happy, outgoing and optimistic people to hang out with, not Debbie Downers. Listen to plenty of uplifting podcasts (I recommend Tony Robbins or Actualized.org). Do meditation and yoga to make your body feel incredible. Exercise. Whether it be join a gym or just going for a walk, exercising releases endorphins which make you feel incredible. And it helps that you get a banging body to show off! And last but not least, make sure you eat a healthy diet with plenty of good foods. If you have a healthy mind, a healthy gut and are surrounded by happy people, nothing can kill your positive vibes!

So what are you waiting for? Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The end of your relationship isn’t the end of the world but the beginning of a new exciting chapter! Get out there and learn to accept and love yourself for the incredible human that you are. Because you can’t love anybody until you learn to love yourself…again.